Dear Roseanne, Ever since Pope Francis arrived in the United States and started talking about this, that, and the other thing, all I’ve been hearing is people complaining about what he’s saying, what he isn’t saying, what he should be saying. What do you think about all this and should I even care? Sincerely, Milton Dworkin

Mr. Dworkin, I know what you’re talkin’ about, because, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, have had the same thought! From the minute the Pope arrived, I’ve only been upset that he was wearin’ white after Labor Day, but when you’re the Pope, I guess you can do whatever you want! Like this one time, when Dr. Joyce Brothers was at the same restaurant I was at. I looked over and there she was-eatin’ her meatloaf with a salad fork! I said, “Hey! Joyce! What’re you doin’ with that salad fork, eatin’ your meatloaf?!” Meatloaf was goin’ everywhere! It was makin’ me sick! I thought I was gonna die!

Anyway, so Pope Francis talked to the members of Congress yesterday and he talked about the Golden Rule, and the death penalty, and the environment. I don’t know if any of those congress people were payin’ attention or not, but a lot of Catholics were. It made me think of my Aunt, Hosanna Roseannadanna–who was a real brainy, serious kinda’ gal–and who used to say to me when I was just a little, tiny girl, she’d say, “Rosanne, the Church cares about all of the issues facing people today, but She doesn’t weigh war, healthcare, and capital punishment the same as She weighs abortion or other non-negotiables like euthanasia, embryonic stem cell research, human cloning, and same-sex unions. For instance, just as if your child had both a messy room and been caught freebasing heroin. Both are bad, but one necessitates an immediate, serious discussion. The other can be dealt with along the way.”

It just goes to show you. It’s always somethin’. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.